Last week I lamented on facebook that I needed an extra night sleep.  The weekend before, one by one, my family fell sick, with a slight cold.  It was nothing major, Dadzoo missed a couple days of work and was up all night coughing which kept me up, along with the kids who needed tissues, water and some love during the night.  By the time Sunday night came around I was exhausted, just in time to feel that little tickle at the back of my throat indicating that is was my turn to be sick, and then then baby woke up with a little fever, I was up again, all night.  The next day wasn’t better, baby was sick and irritable, I spent most of the day holding and nursing her, by the time Tuesday came around I felt like the walking dead!  Now I don’t tell this story to complain.  I am a mother, this is what I do and I am happy to help my little ones, serving them is central to my life and I find a lot of satisfaction in that service.

But I was so tired, and I needed a break badly.  However Tuesday was a busy day, I was going to be gone a good portion of the day at an appointment in town and by the time I got home my children would be arriving with homework and a myriad of activities.  It was going to be one of those “survival” days, where you just do what needs to be done and forget about the extras (like sleep!).

As I was getting ready to leave the house for the day I got an e-mail from a good friend offering to bring dinner that night.  I felt a little funny about it at first.  It wasn’t like I was sick in bed and unable to make dinner for my family, why put this friend out just because I was a little tired?  Then the thought came to me “let her serve”.  I took a big gulp and told her that I would love dinner, and thanks.

Immediately my burdens felt lighter, I went about the day not having to think about dinner at all, it was wonderful.  When I got home from my appointment and got my kids off to their various activities or busy with homework, I found that I had almost an hour with nothing to do.  NOTHING to do…that never happens, especially at 4:30 in the afternoon, but I didn’t have to worry about making dinner that night so I was free, I was able to lay down and sleep for almost a full hour, when I woke I felt so refreshed and able to finish the evening tasks with renewed energy.

I am so grateful for a friend who didn’t suppress a prompting (and I know it was, our Heavenly Father is mindful of our struggles, however small they may seem) to serve.  I know she will be blessed for her act of charity in my behalf.

As I thought over my dear friend’s act of service I wondered about myself.  I thought back to the times when I was prompted to serve those around me, and I suppressed those thoughts and actions.  How many e-mail haven’t been sent, visits made, cookies given, hearts soothed and dinners shared.  Serving other spontaneously is very hard for me, the anxiety I struggle with has to do with people and social situations, for me to just take a dinner or make a phone call is extremely difficult, but I am finding that if I can push through the feelings of fear and anxiety (with help from my Heavenly Father) the feelings of love far surpass the feelings of fear.  As I have been pondering, praying and searching I have become convinced that one of the ways I am going to defeat this postpartum depression/anxiety and become the person I am suppose to be will be through serving others.

I haven’t blogged for almost 6 weeks, I wonder if anyone even reads this blog anymore!  I usually give up on a blog when the writer goes this long without updating.  While the blog has been long neglected it hasn’t been forgotten, always in the back of my mind, and as I went through my days I was always thinking and snapping pictures to blog about, however, other bigger circumstances were in the way.  I have been hit right between the eyes with post-partum depression/anxiety.  It really blind sighted me, never having suffered with it before.  I am being treated by a wonderful holistic practitioner, who is caring for my physical body and by a therapist, who is more like a mentor, and he is taking care of my mind helping me to become stronger and not afraid.  For the last couple weeks I have been feeling better than I have in a long, long time, years really.  I think my depression and anxieties have been quietly festering below the surface for a while now, and the post-partum cocktail of hormones and lack of sleep brought everything sharply to the surface.  I am thankful for that.  Everything I had experienced during this last pregnancy and birth made it easier to identify the problem and so I was able to seek help quickly.  I would like to write more about this later, maybe, mental illness is hard to share, it is so very personal and so very painful, it is hard to put oneself “out there”.  Anyway, during all those blurry and fearful days, there were things going on, life as usual (and I am very good at going along as if life is as usual) children and babies to love (an oh how I love them), my dear husband who takes over where I fall short (and I have fallen so very short lately) along with a home and garden to care for.  I thought I would share some snap shots of the last six week.  I am also planning on getting back blogging, Dadzoo says I have important things to say and that I need to say them (although I don’t know if I agree with that).  I feel anxious about this, but I won’t be afraid, I love blogging and I won’t let my fears keep me away from the things I love anymore.

Birdhouse gourds, this is about half of what we harvested.

Broccoli, there is nothing as wonderful as fresh broccoli from the garden.

Green cabbage, ready for harvest.

Purple Cabbage, this was harvested a couple weeks after the picture was taken.

Washing tomatoes from the garden.

Getting ready to make an can tomato sauce.

Fresh beets from the garden, they are going to be sliced and cooked up for dinner.

Carrots, sweet and fresh from the garden, there are many more waiting for harvest.

Chili sauce, our secrect family recipe and a favorite on eggs in the morning.

Purple Cabbage, sliced and ready for dinner, I love how this looks, the purple and white.

Making a big pot of chicken stock. It takes me 48 hours to make this and I store it in the freezer for quick soups in the wintertime.