Dating does involve putting your best foot forward, but it invariably means hiding something. Marriage on the other hand is reality. Give me the real any day. Love is not love if it can only respond to what is pretty, sweet, and self-gratifying.
B. Knox
For every couple this will be different, and even day to day this will be different.
There have been many time I have handed Dadzoo the crying baby and I have gone and locked myself in the bedroom. Life happens. However if I did that every day he would soon come to resent it, instead on my bad days he quietly and happily takes over. As recently as two weeks ago Dadzoo came home and I was in bed with a migraine, he quietly made sure I was ok, asked if I needed anything, and then took care of the kids. Like I said, life happens.
Here is a quick run down of our evenings:
Dadzoo comes home, we have dinner. After dinner I supervise the older girls doing dishes while Dadzoo gets the little kids in the tub. He baths, dresses and puts the little ones to bed. I continue with cleaning up dinner and I get the older kids settled down with homework. Dadzoo will pick up the living room usually (without being asked) then he helps with homework where needed. After homework I will shoo the older girls to baths and bed while Dadzoo goes into his office to work on his web site or work on his side job (web consulting). Sounds like one big date doesn’t it! So how can 15 minutes of focusing on my husband, getting pretty for him, and making him feel special, hurt? How does this take away from the “real”? It doesn’t, it just makes your husband feel special for a few minutes in the business of the day.
“Love is not love if it can only respond to what is pretty, sweet, and self-gratifying.” I agree. Let me point out that a man is not going to open himself to his wife if she is naggy, critical, mean and easily offended. If she is loving, kind and soft you are going to really learn who your husband is and you will really learn what it is to love someone more than yourself.
To be kind, loving and soft doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be forceful when needed. A good marriage isn’t one where one partner dominates over the other. There have been many, many times I have been very forceful with my husband, and I always share my opinion with him. Sometimes I bet he wishes I wouldn’t so much! When you do kind acts for others it always comes back to you. When you treat your husband with kindness he will (unless he is a total creep) treat you kindly back. It might be in small simple ways, keep your eyes open, you will see them. Or bigger things, like flowers delivered to you, his wife, on Father’s Day.
I know this has been a huge long post. I am sorry; this subject sits very close to my heart. I hate to hear women belittling their husbands.
My husband has been going through some major therapy; it had been very emotional and hard for him. We, as a result have become very close as a couple. I wonder how different things would be if I were naggy, irritated, mean and demeaning. I am glad that I made this home a soft place for my husband to land. This is real life, I know real life, I live it and I have seen it in the eyes of my broken down husband, and I have felt it in his embrace.
It isn’t that hard to give your husband a soft place to land.
Amen! You know that I agree with YOU 100%. And I think you’ve proven that when we try to give our husbands a soft place to fall they give us one as well.
Well said, and I couldn’t agree more. Since your last post on the subject, I have been trying a lot harder to be the kind of loving, giving person I know I’d want to be married to. I’ve also noticed that when I work to treat my husband with the kind of love and regard you’re talking about, I find that I am a happier person, I have a higher self esteem, and I no longer resent my “duties” because I’m doing what I WANT to do!!
A week ago, I went to a bridal shower where a woman much older than me said that a man gets married for certain reasons. Firstly, the *obvious* reason, secondly for a friend, thirdly, for domestic tranquility (you know, a home-cooked meal once in a while and a picked up house), fourthly, for companionship, and I honestly don’t remember the fifth reason. I really got to thinking, “sheesh, how hard is that?!” How hard is it to make our husbands glad they married us, even though real life happens?
Sorry for the long comment, I just feel strongly about it too!
Love ya! Keep up the great work!
Oh, I remember the fifth one! Someone to be proud of!
Hooray for you! You get it! Our husbands work hard all day. The least we can do is give them something nice to come home to as often as we can.
I agree completely. My husband works hard everyday, sometimes 7 days a week, most times during our 18 year marriage, he had worked more than one job, so I could be home with the kids. Why wouldn’t I want our home to be the one place he wanted to come home too? I am sure there were days when he got home he would have rather been anywhere else….but I have always thought that was my job, to make our house our home. I have my kids for about 18 years, but I get to be with him for a lifetime. Lucky me.
I agree with you 100% and I am so happy that things are going good for you and Mike. A happy marriage makes ALL the difference in how happy the reat of your life is. You know the old saying “IF Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Well the truth is to keep ‘daddy’ happy…always…it is worth it, because he will then make sure you are happy. It is the ‘circle’ thing!
I agree completely with you and these comments!
After reading this post I went back and read your earlier post. I enjoyed them both. I feel the same way. My husband works his little tail off for almost 60 hours a week so that I can stay home with the kids. The least I can do is have a clean home for him to come home to. And some good food and wife and kids who don’t look like slobs.
I have also discovered that there is an added benefit for us wives at home when we do this. If my husband comes home and the house is in disarray than he can right away tell that I’ve had a bad day and he will step up to help. If the house is always in disarray and dinner is never ready or almost ready than he can’t tell if I’ve had a bad day and need a little extra help.
Thanks for these wonderful posts.
Funny how such a “simple” concept is misunderstood by so many people (wives)! What we give to our husbands, in the way of taking care of them and the house, is one of the ways we show our appreciation for all they do! And don’t we want them to know what they’re working so hard for? If they never feel appreciated, why continue to work every day? We’re always told that to be happy we should serve others, and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather serve than my sweetie and the little sweetie’s in my life!
Totally agree! I loved your first post and enjoyed this one as well. Even though I work outside of the home, I still feel its important to give my husband a soft place to land. In the past year, my husband has gone through alot of difficulties at work. I realized after reading your first post and talking with my husband, that he needs me now more than ever to help build him up again.
Is that a jab? – “you know, the one you claim to love above all others” Hard to read your tone in print (but I love you anyway, just not as much as my husband of over 20 years and not as much as Jesus whom I love above all others). Just wondering why the words “you know” and the “claim.”
I, too, hate to see wives belittle their husbands or vice versa.
B Knox, I meant that as a general statment to all wives, not directed specifically at you.
Well written article.