After my last post I’ve been doing some great introspection, trying to see things as they truly are, not as my emotions cloud them and today in church I had a great moment of clarity that if felt the need to document.
Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the loss of my little babe. When we moved here I was full of optimism and lots of success, the problems with the land and house didn’t seem that great because I felt so blessed and that we could conquer anything! Then our baby Daniel was born too early, on a Saturday morning, quickly and with little warning on the floor of my bathroom. There were a few complications and I had to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital where I underwent emergency surgery to stop bleeding, all the while I was in and out of consciences because of the great blood loss. After the surgery there was a mix up and I didn’t get the blood transfusions I needed and ended up passing out and having a seizure in the bathroom at the hospital. It was scary, in an earth-shattering, life changing sort of way. While I was unconscious I saw and experienced things that made me very aware how close to death I really was.
That experince ushered in these trials of mine. Up to that point I was a very optimistic person, but my faith in the good things was completely shattered. I lost my trust. If this terrible thing could happen to me, seemingly out of the blue, what else could go wrong? And in my expectation of things going wrong I believe I created the problems. Not that we wouldn’t have had the difficulties, but that they became overwhelming, that it was more evidence of the bad things, the danger, lying just ahead. That, and I have come to believe, we attract what we expect. I expected failure, I got failure.
While I had believed I had healed from the loss of my son and the subsequent trauma around his birth, I realize that that isn’t the case, there is a part of me still struggling with the deeper things behind it. However there is great power in the realization and acknowledgment of these things and going forth I will expect great things! Not perfect things, stuff happens, but we will achieve our goals, we will raise this precious family of ours, we will be happy, we will have joy all through the power of Jesus Christ and his atonement my thought patterns will change, I will trust him again and, best of all I will see my son and raise him in that great day of our Lord.