A Brain, Well Heart Dump

image***warning, this post is a whole bunch of complaining about first world problems, please skip if this will annoy you and if you can’t say anything nice. ????

We moved to this place a little over two and a half years ago. I am not joking when I say it’s been the hardest two and a half years of our lives. It seems like we have been hit from every angle, the loss of our son two years ago with a difficult pregnancy and dangerous delivery close after that left me sick for awhile. This land is hard, and unrelenting, it’s dry, infertile, harsh, infested with destructive rodents, insects and weeds. The amount of work required to scratch anything out of this place is staggering, and we had an almost complete crop failure this year.  Along with financial difficulties, (this place has cleaned us out with its needs, ever bought propane to heat a house?) marital issues, problems with children and extended family. Top it off with the house problems, the windows need replacing (they leak), the roof needs fixing (it’s leaking too) and we have had to either replace or fix every major appliance at least once (there is a repairman in my kitchen right now fixing my SECOND dishwasher in two years). Top it all off, because of a disagreement we’ve had with a member of our church, and our lack of….popularity….there is a group of people that don’t take too kindly to us, and whenever we think it’s blown over, something brings it back up. Gossip has a way of getting back to the one being gossiped about.

I am tired, my soul is worn and I don’t know what my next step should be. should we just give up? Buy a nice house is a nice suburb and live an easier lifestyle, where we fit? Do we buy something farther away, where we are surround by like-minded people who value the same things? There are a few problems with doing that. Our home needs work, expensive work in order to sell, we have integrity and couldn’t lie about the leaking windows and roof like we were lied to. We also have teenagers who are happy and involved in their lives here with good friends around them. Then there is the whole issue of my husband needing to be close to a city for work.

Knowing all this, knowing our only option is to stay here for several more years while our children grow, while we build equity and fix all the problems with this house, how do I find joy here? I’m weary.  I’m weary of the fight, I’m weary of the gossip, I’m weary of living in a house that’s grungy and leaky because of years of previous neglect. I know I should be able to lay all my cares at the feet of my Savior, but I’m even finding that difficult, church is no longer a sanctuary, it’s something to be endured. And I hate that.

Sorry for the brain/heart dump.

35 thoughts on “A Brain, Well Heart Dump

  1. Aimee don’t lose hope! We miss you and your family but I do continue to read updates and laugh and sometimes cry with you about your family! You are truley in my thoughts today! Praying for strength for you!!????

  2. We’ve known each a bit for quite a few years and have exchanged emails talking about frustrations, life, kids, etc etc. Your stronger than you think I know that through the words we have exchanged in the past. This to shall pass and at the end of it all you’ll say wow I learned so much and am so greatful. As far as church we all have something that eats at us on Sundays. My husband being branch president for 5 years soured me on everyone I keep to myself which is lonely, but the Lord is there and my son is on a mission because we persevered and that helps me see the situation differently. Though I still keep to myself it helps me from opening my mouth and getting myself in trouble. ;0)

  3. Aimee–I understand. I too, have felt the sting of rejection & the hurt that goes with it. I’m sorry for your pain. The good news is that you have a lot of people who love you & admire you. (I know–I’m one of them!) Don’t give up. Everything that happens to us is for our good–Heavenly Father promised. Love you friend!!!

  4. Dear Aimee, you are an amazing woman with such sweet and ‘individual’ children as well as an amazing husband. I am so sorry to hear that your garden did not produce, as I know you depend on the products so much. Gardens can be very frustrating, for sure! Yours is laid out so nicely and you have worked so hard in it. It has not been a good year for mine as well–though I am being over run with tomatoes. I wish I could go down and help from time to time when you have frustrations–so you could have time to yourself. You are a beautiful, talented person, who, for a period of time will have so many challenges from family and life, but, believe me, you will be so happy as your children grow up to be your friends, you will have rewards beyond belief. And your little one that went to the other side before you go to know him will be waiting for you and you will have another reward.
    I am so sorry for the problems that have presented themselves–whatever they are. I love you and admire you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

  5. I am SO sorry that the last few years have been especially rough on you and your family Aimee. I can relate on the house woes and know what it’s like when a dream (or dreams) die or when things seem hopeless no matter what you do.
    We have (and have had) serious problems with our house and there’s been many a time I felt like it was no longer a refuge–a place of peace nor would it ever be. And there’s been other things–kids moving, economic challenges, my mom passing away and things I just can’t talk about. All dreams lost or changed.
    It’s hard when problems/losses keep coming with no break in between, isn’t it?
    You’ve been through a lot Aimee–more than many. I will be praying for you and know that God has the right answer for you on what to do. Sometimes the answer comes quickly and the problem gets resolved; other times problems drag on and on. I know that, in my case, these problems have caused me to draw closer to Him. I have also learned to enjoy the simple, free, little blessings God brings into my life daily more than I once did.
    One last thing (I have been way too long winded here I am afraid and I am super tired so I am not sure if any of this is making sense). I sometimes think of my pioneer forefathers and mothers when things are hard. They knew much loss and hardship as they left the comforts of their homes, and the familiar, to come to a new, untamed land out west. They weren’t super people–they were ordinary people like us who knew frustration, economic hardship, death, etc. just as we do. They persevered because of their strong faith and, I think, because of the strength they found from being family.
    Blessings always,