We moved to this place a little over two and a half years ago. I am not joking when I say it’s been the hardest two and a half years of our lives. It seems like we have been hit from every angle, the loss of our son two years ago with a difficult pregnancy and dangerous delivery close after that left me sick for awhile. This land is hard, and unrelenting, it’s dry, infertile, harsh, infested with destructive rodents, insects and weeds. The amount of work required to scratch anything out of this place is staggering, and we had an almost complete crop failure this year. Along with financial difficulties, (this place has cleaned us out with its needs, ever bought propane to heat a house?) marital issues, problems with children and extended family. Top it off with the house problems, the windows need replacing (they leak), the roof needs fixing (it’s leaking too) and we have had to either replace or fix every major appliance at least once (there is a repairman in my kitchen right now fixing my SECOND dishwasher in two years). Top it all off, because of a disagreement we’ve had with a member of our church, and our lack of….popularity….there is a group of people that don’t take too kindly to us, and whenever we think it’s blown over, something brings it back up. Gossip has a way of getting back to the one being gossiped about.
I am tired, my soul is worn and I don’t know what my next step should be. should we just give up? Buy a nice house is a nice suburb and live an easier lifestyle, where we fit? Do we buy something farther away, where we are surround by like-minded people who value the same things? There are a few problems with doing that. Our home needs work, expensive work in order to sell, we have integrity and couldn’t lie about the leaking windows and roof like we were lied to. We also have teenagers who are happy and involved in their lives here with good friends around them. Then there is the whole issue of my husband needing to be close to a city for work.
Knowing all this, knowing our only option is to stay here for several more years while our children grow, while we build equity and fix all the problems with this house, how do I find joy here? I’m weary. I’m weary of the fight, I’m weary of the gossip, I’m weary of living in a house that’s grungy and leaky because of years of previous neglect. I know I should be able to lay all my cares at the feet of my Savior, but I’m even finding that difficult, church is no longer a sanctuary, it’s something to be endured. And I hate that.
Sorry for the brain/heart dump.